This "week" in the House of Film

Mutants (2009)

French zombie flick. I know, more zombies, really? Yes, really. It is average in most respects, but an excellent performance from Hélène de Fougerolles really sells this thing. At 95 minutes it can clock through almost on style alone, but there's enough steak to the sizzle to make it worthwhile. On the whole, it may try to go in one too many directions at the same time. I'd be interested in a longer cut if there was one.

3 / 5 shotgun shells


Visioneers (2008)

I've heard it said that this Zach Galifianakis is a very funny fellow. Checking out his imdb page, I'm pretty sure this is my first exposure to him. Yes, I do live under a rock and it's quite comfy, thanks. Smartass. Okay, I'm silly but I saw a lot of Brazil in this one. Which is definitely not a bad thing. Let's call it a near-future corporate slow-burn of a very detached and cold bad dream wrapped in an exceedingly black and dry comedy / drama. Which works well for me.
Judy Greer kind of stole this one by my count. Just like Adaptation.

3.5 / 5 explosions


Cashback (2006)

Another one of those billed as a comedy that just isn't. What, if I laugh once or twice the movie is a comedy? Bullshit, by that logic everything from The Exorcist to Hellraiser to Faces of Death and The Karate Kid is a comedy. I wasn't exactly keeping track but I think I actually laughed at this movie just about as often as I do at the movies mentioned above. Make of that what you will, but this is an excellent and involving little film. The score is very nifty and I'll be looking for that as well.
Again, feels just a little confused in the "cramming one more thing in" sense, but survives all of that with excellent performances from main and supporting cast as well as several instances of "ohhhh shhiiit" editing along with an interesting premise help to make for a damn good ride. If you have reason to care, there is more than a little full frontal nudity here but hey, it's a British film and none of it felt sleazy or tawdry to me. Explicit, yes... you can see and differentiate labia. Does that make the movie porn or worthless? Nope.

4 / 5 still life portraits



Fall Time (1995)

Wow... just not good. Unless you really, really like Stephen Baldwin.

I am a SERIOUS ACTOR, dammit! I was in Bio-Dome!

Okay, well here's him and Mickey Rourke ineffectually threatening David Arquette (!) and some other kids for an hour and a half. Wow... they're tough guys, you bet.  Because these two tough guys happened to be in the small town spot where three kids were having a "prank kidnapping" (because that's a thing) and got roped into it all via trashcan. -You wouldn't believe me if I told you how silly this all is. Even screenshots couldn't make the case well enough. You've been warned.

This is an embarrassingly bad movie.

So bad that they couldn't even properly hang a tied-up David Arquette.

I've owned dogs that could convincingly kill that man onscreen.

And Baldwin breaks into tears while premeditating a double murder. Then he kinda dry-humps Arquette's friend for a bit before someone gets shot at which point he cries on Mickey's shoulder for a second and then tries to play Watson to Rourke's Holmes for an interminably long bit of corny clichéd shit before "guy with bad hair kills guy with bad hair and wounds another guy with bad hair only to wound bad actor and offer him a bad jacket (yep, that also happened) before being killed by Bad Hair/Actor  #2 (complete with a faux-dramatic bullshit cut to the opening credits-flashback).

Just as good as it sounds.

It's a bit like watching a smalltown high school play with aspirations.
It maybe, possibly could have been something.
But it was not and all those involved should never speak of it again.

High point: Cop gets shot twice... a few minutes later we see his body with three distinct bleeding wounds.  Yay for continuity.

Oh, and then there's the "evidence-tampering train-hopping at the last minute for no apparent reason" nympho hostage. And reverse-fade to that BS-opening flashback to liken her to Mom and your time in the pool with your friends.

Because that also makes perfect sense.
Somehow.

Most episodes of G.I. Joe could be crossed with the entire series run of "Alf" and still make more dramatic sense than this piece of garbage. If you ever spent money or made money on this, you are officially a Two-Star Human.

1 / 5 "Patty was in the bathroom, I'm Carol!" scenes.



Damn, maybe I'll do some music posts next time.  Or at least some better movies.